Behind

This is my word right now. Its a word that used to live with me years ago along with overwhelmed stressed and not enough. Then those words were replaced by need, want, infertile, failure. Then they were replaced with babies, caring, sleep-deprived and love.

Now that the girls are older and not in need of the same hands-on, all-the-time caring that they were before, those words that belonged to the perfectionist me are coming back.

Its almost as if I felt I could excuse it when I had three littles who were teething or in need of constant handling. Now I can get a half-hour to myself while they play and I feel like I have to do the dishes or clean or organize instead of reading, knitting, writing.

Its a nasty feeling and a nasty cycle. More importantly it is emotionally draining and a horrible example for my girls. 

Almost every bad habit that I've worked hard to break has been confronted by the question, "Is this what I want my girls to believe a woman, a wife and a mother should be like?" 

Do I want my girls to believe that when they are older and have a family of their own and responsibilities of their own that they need to be perfect? That they need to push their own creativity and desires and joy to the back of the line? NO! 

Then why do I?

This is what I'm working on this summer.